Give yourself grace
how to homeschool when you have anxiety
Monday, May 29, 2023
Although some are surprised to learn, I am naturally introverted, and have struggled with what can sometimes become crippling anxiety. As a teenager I would surround myself with all the misfits, and masked my anxiety with depression. I would often make loud and inappropriate comments to feign comfort and ease. I saw therapists whose only goal was to medicate me, and once had me on three prescriptions at the same time, at 16 years old. I look back and feel so thankful for a mom whose intuition stopped that before it could get too bad.
When my first baby was born, I did my best to spend as much time with all the other moms as possible, because that’s what I was supposed to do. I would agonize for hours before play dates, and come home drained, and didn’t understand why people did this to themselves…all I knew was that this is just what moms do. I sometimes still look back on this time and feel embarrassed about the version of myself those sweet moms worked so hard to include.
I was a 27 year old mom of three before I realized that the deeper issue was anxiety. I had been masquerading as the extroverted life of the party, so well that I had even fooled myself - when truly all I wanted to do was hide in the corner to avoid saying the wrong things. I still find myself going over and over in my mind all the embarrassing comments I have made, trying to hide my discomfort in social situations.
I can’t remember the exact moment when I acknowledged and embraced this part of myself. I only know for certain that I was empowered by friends, and even social media influencers (yes, they can and do offer many great things!) who let me know that the actual feelings I was having were acceptable, and even normal. They helped me to give my feelings a name and told me that it was okay to just say, “you know what, I have pretty severe anxiety, and the park is a major trigger for me - maybe we could host you at our house”
Some mornings I wake up with heavy, unshakable anxiety. I drink my tea, repeat affirmations, meditate, move my body, nourish my body, cover myself in essential oils, and nothing calms me. There doesn’t even have to be a reason for this to happen. And then I think of my three littles, who are waiting for me to start our school day; who need my love and guidance. And the weight sometimes feels even heavier. I’m barely breathing. How can I possibly show up for them in this way today? Maybe they could forage for a while and then paint what they find……but maybe not because what about the brown recluse, and strangers, and bears….it can be a vicious cycle.
On these days, we take it extra easy. I’m always honest with them, and say, “mommy is having some anxiety today and it’s feeling extra hard to do our normal school day.” We do a Lego day, or magnatiles, or both. We listen to audiobooks, and free-read. Our normal school days give them many opportunities to work independently, so on the high anxiety days they’re already equipped with the skills they need to handle things!
It’s okay to have days where you’re not feeling okay, mama. It’s okay to let yourself feel it when the world is caving in. It’s important to let yourself feel it instead of holding it all in, so that tomorrow can feel lighter and brighter. Be honest with yourself and your littles. Give yourself grace, and honor your needs. You’ll be so grateful to yourself that you did.
Watch the video here:
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download this recipe the old-school way: right click and save image!
